This year, Thain in Vain and RL hosted our very first classy Christmas dinner party to thunderous belches and bloated tummy success. As such, I am now considered an expert and feel I must herald my wisdom on those of you struggling to host a party that doesn’t include 2-4s of Pilsner, 7-11 salmonella chicken, and ACDC pumping on the ghetto blaster.

If you follow my time-tested hosting tidbits, next year you too will be bathing in the sweet afterglow of a classy Christmas dinner.

Tidbit 1 – Be honest with yourself about why you want to host a dinner party. If the reason is you’ve been brainwashed to believe that hosting dinner parties makes you a more interesting person, go suck a turkey giblet. If you want to get your drink on in the comfort of your own home, now we are talking turkey.

Tidbit 2 – Be in a relationship with a cook. Which I am. This is helpful for useless cooks like myself who mostly make bland vegetable soups to kick off a weight loss journey every Monday. Considering this, RL basically did everything. He shopped for all the shit. He cooked the turkey. He mashed the hell out of the potatoes. He created mini apple pies. All while I binge watched the Food Network and sloshed back wine from a box.

Tidbit 3 – Undermine decisions and then act like you didn’t. The person doing all the work needs you to question their decisions. It’s how they improve. Only they don’t see it like that. Subtlety and denial are key in this tidbit. Tread softly.

Tidbit 4 – Keeping folks entertained after they have devoured a shit ton of food. This is the tough part of any good dinner party. It’s a known fact that after people have stuffed their faces, they lose interest in literally everything except taking a trip to slumber land. A good host/ess knows those little tricks to keep their guests interested. Thain in Vain found that a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity jarred her guests from their food afterglow and got them laughing, especially the 11-year-old nephew who laughed so hard he got a stitch in his side and went on to win a round or two.

Well, there you have it. Go forth and host your first classy Christmas dinner party.