I was really disturbed to hear about the short life and tragic killing of Marius the Giraffe. Poor guy’s genes were apparently “too common” and thus “useless for breeding.” Isn’t there a better way to deal with this besides a bullet in the head. It’s too late for Marius, but I put my giraffe thinking cap on and came up with these options for those other giraffes out there who are currently crapping in their spotty, lame-ass gene hides:

Childlessness/Babygiraffelessness – I know procreation is super important to humans and animals alike. I also know the very phrase “childlessness” conjurers images of a sad spinster with knotty fingers pumping knitting needles like pistons, a python of wool spiraling at her withered feet, all the while wishing she had children to care for her. But this is not what childlessness looks like. It looks pretty normal and fulfilling (not to mention calm and neat and easy on the pocketbook). I’m also sure there are babygiraffeless giraffes kicking around our there and I’m sure they’ve found something to make their lives fulfilling despite having to listen to all the giraffe parents talk about how meaningless their lives were before little Giraffe Jr. I also know this world is pretty darn populated and maybe, just maybe there’s something to be said about not procreating–even for a giraffe or two.

Clooney Effect – If we accept that not every giraffe has to breed, then why can’t male giraffes with these so-called “common genes” be the players of the giraffe world. The Giraffe Clooney would be self-sufficient, dignified, smooth, and charming; the envy of all those other male giraffes stuck in a mating-for-life relationship with a house full of spotty necks forever needing to be fed. Meanwhile, Giraffe Clooney is roaming the African savanna in a pimped out spotty hide, schmoozing all the single girlie giraffes, never putting a bun in it or a ring on it!

Spay/Neuter – While this is not as fun as Giraffe Clooney, I’m sure Marius would have happily opted for a good ol’ fashioned neutering. It happens to thousands of domestic pets everyday and they don’t seem to be any worse for wear. In fact, they seem downright happy living their lives without the all the hassles that go along with procreation.

Astronaut – They’ve sent monkeys and dogs to space. Why not a giraffe. Imagine all we could learn about a long neck in space.

Note: I’m aware this is a giraffe in a construction helmet, but it’s hard to find a giraffe in a space helmet and I was too lazy to Photoshop one on, so please just go with it.

Lion Bouncer – Lions really do think they are the king shit of world and they need to be taken down a notch or two every now and again. “Dalton Giraffe is the best bouncer in the business. His nights are filled with fast action, beautiful giraffes, and kicking some lion ass. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.” Sadly, it’s too late to save Marius, but maybe we can save those other giraffes with lame-ass genes. What are your giraffe saving suggestions?

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