Having trouble finding the perfect gift for that hard to buy for person in your life? Fear not. Thain in Vain has been out on day release scouring flea markets and cutting the locks on storage lockers in search of the perfect gift ideas.

Squirrel paw earrings – I discovered these little gems clamped to the nibbles of an aging transgender performance artist and I knew I had to have them for Mari, my cellmate roommate who recites her nightly prayers from under my bed. God love her.

Build a boyfriend – When I stumbled upon this little bugger, I was hard pressed to narrow down possible receivers. Certainly, most us chicks could use the perfect boyfriend, but in my heart I knew I would gift this baby to Man-Eater Mary, who’s had her fair share of man problems.

Let’s bonk – stocking stuffer for all the ladies. The golden shower – What can I say, we were all young once. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. I saw this delight I knew it would find a home in the office of Nurse Retchen.

Hope these ideas help you have a great Christmas with those you are trapped with love!