Hi, I’m pleased to meet with you about the opportunity for the position of Arthur’s Knight at this weird joint called Medieval Times. I’ll be honest with you, man, I’m not really digging this place. It’s tripping me out, but hey we all gotta break on through to the other side, which is exactly what the doctor ordered. My doctor said my brain is squirmin’ like a toad and I need to take a long holiday. But a dude’s got responsibilities, you know. I gotta pay these bills, and the road’s a killer, so I gotta look into this world we’re thrown. You getting me, man?
Before the ceremony begins, let’s wake up. Do you mind if I flip a tab of ‘cid. That’s LSD, man. Have you ever tripped on a tab? It’ll crack open your mind like an intense visitation of energy. Do you have any fucked-up rules against drugs and booze? I bet you do. Before we get into all that crap, man, let me tell you a little bit about me. First of all, I was the lead singer of The Doors. Yes, the actual band not some shit cover band from San Francisco.
I see you checking out my sexy leather pants. They’re saying to you: hello I love; let me jump into your game. Let me tell you something, baby, if I get this gig, the lizard king in these pants will be yours. Come on baby light my fire. Have you checked out my pic. I was one goddamn sexy man.
I can start next Monday, but there’s something I want to bring up. I was arrested for “exposing myself” on stage. That’s a nice way of saying, I whipped out my ding-dong for the amusement of the audience. They loved it, but the LA pigs didn’t. But it looks like the Knights uniforms don’t lend themselves to that kind of exposure. Ha, ha!
I gotta bring one other thing up, though, I faked my own death, man. You may remember that day. It was July 3. ’71. I was sick of it. Sick of it all, man. I was alone, man. Faces started to look ugly. I was alone. I put on a mask and high-tailed it out of this country with the airspeed velocity of a flying monkey. If you know what I mean. I hope you can look past this, and I can tell you that I’m ready to strap on a new mask and entertain the masses. I’m good at that shit.
Also, I live in Paris, but I’m open to the commute.