Sure, you could solicit help from that bald dude on the Oprah show, but that means you’re airing your dirty drivel on national TV and having to listening to a shit pile of southern clichés. Maybe that revs your engine, but I’d rather motorboat Donald Trump’s shriveled berries after one of his zombie-like runs around Central Park.
What you really need to do is ask yourself: Would you rather air your embarrassing rubbish on a blog with a teeny readership and have pretty much zero interaction with another human being or snuggle yourself against Dr. Phil’s gock and spill out your lame story. The choice is yours.
Let’s getting advising!
October: Bah Halloweenbug: Thain in Vain is in the Haunted House
Halloween is a tough time of year for some. Do you have trouble thinking up a costume, let alone a good one? Are your costumes choices offensive, but you don’t understand why? Would you sell your soul to the devil to have zero kids come to your house on that night of hell? Do you roll your eyes like a possessed person at pictures of your friends in their costumes on Facebook? Would you rather play ‘Frogger’ in Hong Kong traffic than go to a costume party?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are probably in need of help from Thain in Vain.
Q. I really hate Halloween. I didn’t always. I lived for it. It all started last year when my best friend dressed like slutty Superman and won the best-dressed contest. I mean, slutty Superman? That doesn’t even make sense. Sure, we have our fair share of slutty chick superheroes, but slutty Superman? Come on. That’s just dumb. My costume, on the other hand, was so awesome! Imagine the Statue of Liberty posing in Hustler magazine. The things I did with that torch and all I got was third place. Apparently, sexy Betty White zombie beats the Queen of this great country.
Thain in Vain, how do I come to love Halloween again?
A. Dear Liberty,
I understand how you may feel the outcome of this contest was unfair, but perhaps you are looking at it from the wrong perspective. When I don’t get recognition for something I know I should have, I look at it from a fresh view and that makes all the difference. I see the situation for what it really is and realize that everyone else is a moronic idiot for not seeing what a winner I am. My advice for you to get back on the Halloween wagon is to strap on that torch and be the best damn slutty Statue of Liberty you can. Those assholes will certainly notice how wrong they were and how great you are. Good luck!
Thain in Vain