Winter is Coming. I Love You, Man

winter-truckKeeping positive during the cold, dark winter is critical to one’s survival in Canada. But it’s not easy. Winter would just as easily kill you as look at you. So, this winter my survival technique is kindness.

It’s easy to bitch about the thermometer hovering around the -35 mark for weeks on end. Never mind the months and months of stark, blinding snow blanketed over everything. And I don’t even want to touch the deep-rooted frustration of driving. But winter has heard this all before, so what good I’m doing reciting the same old lines?

This year is about letting winter know all the positive things it brings. I’m going to kill winter with kindness. This is why winter is awesome:

  • Insects die every year. All the really gross, annoying, big, erratic, and bite-y bugs perish in the winter. Sure you may have a fruit fly or seven kicking around inside for the extent of their sad, limited lives, but whatever. Bugs in this climate simply do not have the luxury of year round living to grow into disgusting monsters that do fucked-up shite like burrowing into living things and setting up home (see botfly).
  • Indulging in guilt-free shut-in weekends. This is when you get home on a Friday night, close the door and do not emerge until Monday morning. In the summer, however, there is some serious guilt associated with doing such a thing. Facebook is littered with all the amazing, summer-related activities your friends are enjoying. Meanwhile, you have the blinds drawn (or in some cases you’ve nailed a dark blanket over the window), indulging in a “Game of Thrones” marathon, drinking boxed wine, and eating Cheezies.
  • No more visits to the lake. No more invites (insists) from friends “to come to the cabin for the weekend.” Oh, poor me you are probably thinking. I know this sounds lame, but I don’t really like cabins (funny smell, lame plumbing), lake water (funny smell, algae, underwater weeds, fish), or sand (funny feel and smell, glass, dog shite, condoms, people).
  • Sweaters. Lovely, pretty, sweaters that keep you cozy, but more importantly cover up pasty arms that resemble French loaves (note: arms are extra pasty from too many shut-in weekends in the summer).

So, there we have it, winter. I like you. I’m happy for your yearly visit. But please, don’t wear out your welcome. You need to be on the road by the end of March, at the latest. Got it?

What do you love about winter?

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